When do I get my happy ending?

Dear Diary, 

Remember the D in my previous entry back in 2017? I gave up on him. He and I are better as good friends. I was in the US and he was there too. That's when it hits me, that he and I can never be. 

I met someone in the church that I attend, a friend of a friend, he and I became closer and I gradually fell in love. I referred to it as if the two of us are made in heaven. How can such a wonderful beginning have to end? We realized how opposite we are, I couldn't stand him. I dated him for only a year but lived with him for 2 years until I moved to my newly bought flat. 

I never had an interest in someone after such a relationship, I felt like I could never get along with anyone.  I had loved T, but he wanted all of me, same with J, while D is a very good friend of mine, loved me but wouldn't pursue me. How ironic. Where do I stand here? 

Then, P came along. I don't know what to do about my feelings for this man. 

I felt like fate is playing on me. 

P lives in the UK, and only has female friends who lived all over the world - the main ones are Asians, he is into Asians very much. 

We started as good friends, I was always there for him, whenever he is in need of someone to lean on, a friend to talk to, a special someone, a mentor. Then as months went by, we spend more time virtually, watching films together or just calling. Now, we even started playing games too.

Initially, he was supposed to come to Prague, but due to Covid, never happened, so we stayed in touch online. He gets sick and traveling was not an ideal option for him. 

During this period, my mind and my heart are already in turmoil cos I don't know what I am to him. He never speaks of his feelings. 

I traveled to his place to finally meet him. We finally touched.

While I was there, he was also working... and he would spend time calling his friends :/

There was a time, I overheard his conversation with his friend -- the girl was loud and saying 'are you avoiding me, I mean, who would have said that unless she's someone he is flirting to?

I got broken-hearted. While we were on a walk, I asked him, is he dating someone, he said no, I asked him if he is flirting with someone, he also said no. He wouldn't say much, nor explain any, it's all up to me to believe him.

That state of being broken-hearted made me buy a cat. 

I visited him again a month later, but this time, he was really hourly on a call everyday with his female friends - that really upset me... I flew there to be with him, he didn't take an off day to spend with me, he also didn't put me on his priority list to make me feel special.

I told him, that it upsets me... asked him, where am I on his girl's list? he told me I was at 63.

He still hasn't expressed his feelings :/

I'm alone in this illusive relationship of mine. 

I went back to his place days later after visiting my cousin, I decided to extend my stay in the UK to be with him. I thought this time it will be better, that maybe he will reduce the time he spends being on a call with his female friends... no :(

I flew back to accompany him for his biopsy, I wanted to be there for him... when he needed someone the most. But this is the visit the broke my heart completely. He told his parents he is with somebody, his friends knew he is with someone... when the doctor asked who will take care of him during and after the biopsy, he couldn't even say my name.  I am just someone, somebody, who may or may not exist.

Days before I left, he called his friends -- it was rather longer this time. I went out to pee, only to see him on a call with a Thai girl, and have this love song playing in the background.  That scene painted a romantic scene to my head... I got mad, I got hurt, but he didn't follow me, he thought I was OK. I spent an hour in the room crying, for seeing that, for not being his priority... He said, his friend was broken-hearted... Am I not also?  That night, I wanted an open communication with him, but he wouldn't let me in. He said he loves me, but why he couldn't express it to me, why he wouldn't end my misery. Why would he rather let me cry, and makes me sad? 

Why am I always last to him? What did I do to deserve that spot?  Have I not done enough all this year, that he could not remember the good times we spent together.  

When I returned to Prague, this kept playing in my mind. I knew well what I should do, I should end all this madness, these miserable feelings I have... I need to choose what's best for me. I tried to end it, he wouldn't even follow me, he wouldn't even chase me.  He wouldn't fight for me. 

I'm the one only fighting, it hurts so much. I shed too many tears, but it's not enough to make me feel good. 

I don't want the no commitment anymore, I want commitment, I wanted to be part of his life too, I asked for it until he agreed. But the thing is, he himself isn't sure of it. Every time I asked if he has a girlfriend, he would answer probably. He wouldn't acknowledge me. 

He doesn't see things my way. I felt like I am nothing to him.

This Christmas, I asked for 1 thing, A love letter to express his feelings for me... But he forgot about it, I had to follow up, I was very upset that he doesn't remember the only thing I ever asked of him. That's why I was never sure if he remembers my name.  I'm that easy to forget, sadly. 

I went to visit him again before the year ends, cos I dreamed of celebrating Christmas and New year with him. He spent his Christmas holidays with his parents, I thought for one second, maybe he would like to invite me, so I wouldn't be that alone and lonely this Christmas, it's wishful thinking. Who am I? I am just somebody who is easy to forget. 

I was happy when he came back and he dedicate his time with me... that made me feel special, probably the best time I had with him since I started visiting him. I don't have any competition that day. 

Things are going well... until one night, he told me he will call his friend at 11:30PM UK time, I was upset, why would he call someone at this time, must be so special girl. And he said he could call anyone he wants to at any time he wants to.

He didn't see it from my perspective, he is just seeing it on his end. I'm just fucking jealous that he would call someone this very late in my presence. Will he ever do that to me?

How can I not be jealous, all his friends are girls, and he spent so much time chatting with them and long hours of call even in my presence, he never tells anyone I am his lover, no one knows my existence, he doesn't make me feel love, I have to say the word first before he does. He said, he is not a spoken person, he doesn't say, he doesn't do anything, where is my place in his life. Is it really just my brain overreacting? Why am I so in love with this man when he makes me feel this? 

At 4pm before new year's eve, he went on a call with someone, I was so mad and hurt cos he said he wouldn't call any more for a long time... He never greet me exactly at 00:00 new year or Christmas, but he does to his friends, why his friends are special but not me.  I am also his friend before his lover.

He wouldn't comfort my poor heart even when I am breaking. He wouldn't wipe my tears nor hug me even my pain is caused by him. I am really alone. 

So there you go, I got myself wasted as early as 4:30 PM and spent vomiting, gladly, at 00:00, I only feel awful but still, my heart is miserable. I was still mad, and yet he was touching his phone again.. told him he should marry his phone. He got mad, and told me, he would rather never be in a relationship than to choose 1 person over his friends if he were asked to choose. I have never wanted that, all I want is quality time with him, cos my time is limited with him. I thought he would think of our little time precious, I went there for him. But he doesn't see that.

I'm here, walking with my eyes closed not knowing where to go or whether or not someone will hold my hand so I won't fall... But he keeps letting me fall and wouldn't pick me up. 

I know, I am someone who is easy to forget, who means nothing. At least, this is what he makes me feel.

What have I done wrong in my life to deserve this, I was very kind to the people around me, I help people, I make donations, I am friendly to everyone, I don't hurt anyone. 

But Why am I hurting? 

Online 2 Offline

Two people met through a web application, they get along very well because of their interesting personalities.

They talked and talked and exchanged their life stories and the girl finds herself smitten to the man. 

The final day has come. 

I was leaning over the table and absentmindedly watching the game on the big screen when suddenly D arrives with his friend K. He offered a hug and i gave a distant hug with him and his friend which he noticed and asked why. 

He isn't as tall as i imagine, a short guy with a charming smile. 

--

Why I have this feeling that the guy I was attracted was different from the person I am talking now on Social Media. I cannot feel the same person I met finally after waiting for so long. Where is the dazzling man I met? 

One hell of a 2016

Finally it's over.  My 2016, full of tears, bitterness, heartaches is over. It's time to move forward and stop leaning over the past. What happened had happened.

I travelled a lot compared to previous years, I've been to many different places in Switzerland, Italy, Germany, Austria, India, Philippines, Malaysia, USA, United Kingdom, Spain, South Africa- Morocco, Slovenia, Croatia, Czech Republic, Belgium, and Poland. I found myself really tired of travelling, felt like taking planes is like taking a bus.

I have no wish to cry over the past, because that very person doesn't worth it. Neither to remember it. 

When things fall apart

If there's one thing I should learn in life it is to treat myself very well, and do not let other people demean my character, and most importantly undervalued my worth. I deserve more than that. We all do.

I can't believe how stupid I am, I went to Valencia hoping I could fix things with my ex boyfriend, only to open my eyes wide to the reality.

1st. He abandoned my company and chased other girl right in front of me.
2nd. The next day, in a romantic beach in Peniscola, he told me he never loved in those 18 months we were together.
3rd. He wants to be with me, but doesn't want to commit because he is not confident he wouldn't cheat on me. He also wants to be travel buddy with benefits - when we are together, we're ok, and when we're apart, we're nothing.
4th. He treat this girl he met through tinder. He never treat me like that. Why that stranger is more important than I?

These four reasons are enough to blow my head. I cannot stand my stupidity. Yet, he keeps on planning trip together, and saying he wants to be with me, but when I am not around- who knows he is fucking other girls? I don't trust him. I hate him.

How could he did these all to me? And I let it all happen. I'm a good girl, I never hurt anyone. I'm loyal and faithful.

I have no idea anymore. I cannot believe I reached this age, and I'm not growing up. I'm so stuck.

This is the story of my fuck up life.

I do well in Academic, Job, Travelling, I have everything, except on this aspect of life. I'm so stupid.. and there's no end for my stupidity because I am so weak.

I wish I have someone here with me, to always remind me - Don't worry, Georgie, you'll be alright. Youll get over it.

I wish. Really wish.

Love is a choice

Dear Diary,

I am deeply mourning today for the death of my heart. I finally had it, I broke up with him when we were in India, i just couldn't stand him. I should be happy here in Madrid, right? But i wasn't. I feel worst. Maybe I shouldn't isolate myself so much and start going out. I feel so empty.

Let me tell you what transpired in India.

Before going to India, we fought. He slapped me randomly because of revenge when i slapped him the other night when he compared me to a fish - worst insult of my life. I was so devastated, i thought i was going crazy, i freaked out,i cried, i scream... But he didnt apologize, he was smiling. That's even worst.
I left, i packed my things and went to italy and switzerland. I tried to think things over, i was happy there. When i return, i am more calm, he asked for a chance, maybe that our next trip will be the best.
At first it was ok, but the moment when he again switch the language to czech while i was talking to his friend, i feel bad for his lack of consideration. Everyone talks in czech, i was out of place. He wants me to understand him that it has been so long since the last time he talks czech, what about me? I have nobody to talk to, i cannot talk in english, i cannot talk in my language. Im miserable. I wish somebody wiuld come and rescue me from my loneliness. His friend did. I was happpy but i was hoping that it will be him, but he didnt realize im out in the dark. His friend pity me, but he didnt.
The van is full, i sat in his lap, but he gave up on me on the way back, i ended up seating in his friend's lap. I feel bad. He said, we are not in no way relationship so he doesnt have any responsibility

towards me, but why he expect me to have sex with him when he ignores me the whole day. How come i ruin his India trip when we are not in any relationship.  I dont wanna justify my action, because somehow i feel, we are both wishing that the trip will be awesome, i guess we set so much expectation that we both failed. I do not blame him for my disappointed hopes, but he blamed me, yet he failed to look at my side. I dont understand how can he say i never try to make our relationship, that its akways him trying.

I tried. Many times. If i dont love him, i wouldnt be so hurt like this. Why cant he see that. Why he see only himself. I cried, i scream, i freakout, i went mad, im crazy, and im still crying while writing this. It breaks my heart knowing he moved on so easy, knowing he only blame me, but not seeing his own mistake, why!!! Im not that bad. Why his friend see the goodness in me, why he cant.

All i want is his attention.
He said, he always makes effort, how. I couldnt see it in India. All he does, is to make me feel 'you dont belong here'

He was the one who wants the india trip to be the best, but how come i ruin it. I only react on what he does. But why? I wish someone can asnwer me.
I hate it when he said, that i would fuck up my next relationship. Didnt he see he also fuck it up?
Should i just be happy and accept his insults? I have a heart.
He said he was stoic that he cannot express himself, then, why he cannot understand that im not stoic. Im so vulnerable, that one word from him would rip me apart, why why... Im just hurt. But he couldnt see the pain, only myself to blame.

And now here I am, missing him when i shouldnt. Just a thought of him, hanging out with others and not me, drives me crazy. I chose this breakup, i should be happy. But i wasnt.

Sometimes, i want to eat my pride and ask him to start anew. Considering we learn from our mistakes, but im so afraid,  he will just laugh at me, mock me, and blame me once more. I cannot take that. I want him to understand me, as i understood him now. I knew now which area of love i made mistake, and will no longer do such.

I wamt to tell him, even india was the worst vacation, we can make the spain the best one. He loves this country. I imagine us driving along th coast of spain, visiting every cities, eating and spending a great time. Im willing to stay in prague, learn the culture, the language, so i can please him, to make him happy, im willing to stay in prague and wait till he finishes his phd and then together will go to south america, enjoying the culture, dancing together. But then, this is all a wishful thinking. This week i will learn how to make paella, because he said he loves it, maybe he will never be able to taste it.  No conditions, for as long as he will love and respect me But im afraid, he would laugh at me, mock me, and blame me. love is a choice, why we can just choose to be happy instead of revenging. I cannot take another blow. Im already into pieces.

Sometims i wish, he would sympathize to me everytime i cry. I wish he would open his heart to me too. He would tell me when he is sad, when he is hurt, we were couple, we were happy. But he nver open his hurt to me, why he has to be stoic to me too. While me, all i thought, he is the only one i have, i showed him my weakness, my vulnerability, im so open, thats why im so hurt.

I wish we can talk properly without arguing. Why our life has to be about battlefield. I clearly remember when we were in Malonstranska tram, i asked him why he and his ex fought.. I domt understand, i thought when two people love amd understans each other they will not fight. Smd told him, theres no reason for us to fight because I am not like his ex. I am correct partly. We fought bcause we are too stubborn, no one is willing to umderstand each other. Thats the real cause of our argument. We failed.

Im so sad. Im so misrable, I wish someone is here to make me smile, so i dont have to shed any more
tears.

What should i do dear diary? How long it will take me to forget? All i know is i miss him amd it drives myself crazy. I hate one sided love affection.

I dont wanna get hurt. I just want to be happy.

Signed,
An angel broken into pieces,
13:08, September 14 2016.

Love is not a fairytale

I just recently woke up from my fairytale world. I always thought that when two people love each other, they don't have to fight, no arguments, or even if there's a misunderstanding it can be solved easily. But I was completely wrong.

My lasko and I were born in a completely different world. He is in West, I was in East; different culture, traditions and belief. Since I met him in West, I tried to adjust in everything here, except for food. I will always be a rice eating girl wherever I go. Anyway, relationship here doesn't work as it is in my home country. 

In the beginning of our relationship, I usually have the 'free time', as I worked as a freelancer and just have few classes to attend while he was busy with his thesis, work and other things. My only complaints during those time was his lack of interest in me, I felt completely neglected. When I meant neglected, I mean, he doesn't even ask whether I was alive or how's my day. I don't have to see him everyday, nor to be with him everyday, just a simple hello is fine. But no, it was always I who initiated the conversation. It pissed me off when I went back home to my country and he didn't even call me nor message me! Whenever I asked him if he loves me, he would say, maybe. Great answer isn't it? I asked why, he said, he wasn't sure. And he doesn't want to say "i love you" for the sake of saying it. Of course, i wouldn't want to hear it either if he doesn't mean it. But, why the hell he was with me if he doesn't. He said, he likes me. When he went for one month summer program, he was teasing me that I couldn't survive. I did. I took a full time job, since then, the table was turned. 

I was joggling work and school, and I have less time for him. When I have time for him, he would usually sit in his chair and work on his laptop, he would invite me for pub, but he will walked around and leave me behind. He would invite me for so many events that he thought I'm interested with even I wasn't. He complained to me not having so much time, so even when I was so tired, and not interested, I would join him in some events, and also be out in the cold for star hunting. 

I would cook for him everytime I go home from work, go for grocery when the fridge is empty, seriously, i felt like I got myself a husband to served. Just how much is enough time for boyfriend? As far as I know, boyfriend doesn't always have to see each other. Usually go out for a day 3-4 times a month? Am I thinking it wrong?

Lately, we went for a trip and we did nothing but fight. Mallorca was like a battlefield for us. Nobody wants to surrender; for 6 days - it was like that. Nobody wants to listen, nobody wants to understand.

I was hoping he would understand my situation, and he was hoping that I would understand his complaints. Everytime we would fight, i really believe that we aren't meant for each other. We are both stubborn and headstrong. I thought of breaking up with him couple of times because I cannot withstand a fight.  I hate arguments. I hate conditions. I really hate it. But everytime I want a break up, he started being so nice and I lose my defenses, that maybe there's something more to him.. that maybe he will grow up, and that maybe we will both grow up together. When? I have no idea. I don't know how long that two of us will be together. Maybe until today, or maybe until tomorrow, tomorrow never ends anyway.

Meetings of Two Different People

Meetings of Two Different People

When Miss S and Mister T’s Path Met

I shall tell you a story of how I met him.

1^st New Year’s Day– January 1, 2015, few minutes past after 12:00am. He walked to me and introduced himself, he thought I was an Indonesian. His name is Tomas. He said lately, that we’ve been together for over 45minutes which surprise me. I can’t even remember it. He just keep popping up my side.

2^nd January 5, 2015. I met him unexpectedly in JIH computer laboratory 5 minutes before 14:00 for my Computer network exam. I thought I was seeing a ghost. I wasn’t sure if it is him at all so I walked past him. I was totally under spell the moment our eyes met. Why was he wearing green of all the day? I have weaknesses in green. He reminds me of summer.

3^rd January 12, 2015. The stupid I went to JIH hoping to catch a glimpse of him. Crazy isn’t it? I have been there for almost 30minutes, but there’s no sign of him. I gave up and walked out of the lab when I saw the object of my admiration standing near the exit door. I had a chance to have eye to eye contact with him which caused me to shy away. I couldn’t utter a single word. He finally said “hi” to me. I walked past him but managed to say “nice to meet you again”

~ I cannot stop thinking of him feeling guilty of ignoring him. I managed to find him on Facebook and get to talk to him and apologize for my behaviour. Well, it was nothing to him. Quite disappointed. He invited me to go to reception~

4^th January 23, 2015.  I visited him in JIH reception where he was working. I was there for 2 hours, standing, really pissed off. What a very un-gentleman! He kept me standing for long hour… geez! I get to know him a bit. He loves science- that no doubt. He also have passion for crafts which I find rather interesting. I was so uncomfortable that I can’t appreciate him.

5^th I don’t remember the date, but this time he is much nicer. He invited me to sit inside the reception room. We talked for long hours and that was really fun. I like him today except when he makes fun of others. It was rude.

6^th February 13, 2015. He invited me to join a Sushi Asian Event where we had to cook our own country dish. I met him along the corridor. I met great people today, new friends perhaps. When we finished eating, we went over to JIH pub and had a drink. I was busy talking to Yuki and Alex and didn’t bother talking to him. We talked a little.  I just don’t like this side of him. I always prefer friendly people like Alex.  He’s not!

7^th February 15, 2015. We met around 10:30 PM for star gazing. I was annoyed to him to be honest. He was so inconsiderate not to adjust his pacing. I couldn’t catch up. When he finally realized it, he slow down a bit. When we get to the forest, he started hunting while I was busy gazing at the sky. He appreciates the stars because of science, and I appreciate it because of its beauty. I mentioned stupid thing like planets being a star. Haha… I only realized my mistake when I said it. I confused reality from the anime I watched! I knew that the only stars in the solar system is the sun. We tried to get to another spot for better view however, the way up there is quite complicated. He didn’t even offer his hands to help me! A torn pricked my finger and it bleed. It hurts surely! He was ignorant of it. I must thank him for helping me freed my hair when it got stuck by the tree branch though.  When we decided to leave, he tried to lead the way and eventually taking the wrong path. He lost a piece part of his flashlight making my phone as the only source of light. I lead the way and this time he offered his hand for help! He is kind this time.  We went to another forest for another viewing. He is getting nicer I swear. I can laugh at ease now. It was a long walk, but we had a decent conversation.  When we reached our destination, my phone battery is now empty and it was dark. Ah, I must admit, he is quite a gentleman. Who would have thought of that! What a mystery man he is. He invited me for a tea in his dorm and I get to see another messy room. Haha. I get to see his love for science and how he can freely laugh. He listened to different music genre and even classical. Saw some of his crafty works. It was a wonderful visit that ends around 2:20am. It’s very late already. He was kind enough to open the door because my ISIC id doesn’t work in JIH. Evening ends.

8^th February 16, 2015. I bumped into him 11:12am when I was on my way to my next class. He stopped and waited for me. That’s rather shocking! He is nice indeed! If I see him first, I’ll probably just acknowledge him and leave. I’m always like that.

9^th February 17, 2015. He invited me for a drink in Tuesday, but since I have a class next day, I declined. I invited him for a drink and we supposed to meet in JIH but it was closed. We met along the way and head over to Kruhac. We drink and talked. It was quite uncomfortable. I found myself unable to speak. Why!!! My mind is empty whenever I’m with him! He had to always start the conversation and ask question which I answered simply. I was quite drunk and finally decided to go to dance floor. It was fun! I was finally able to get rid of my uncomfortably and freely danced with him. We talked a little while dancing, but because he is way taller, I don’t want to tire him by always trying to lower his head.

10^th February 18, 2015. He invited me to join him and his friend Alba to Old Town Square to watch some Chinese show and also went to Botanical Garden. This man is a stranger to me. He was a different person…

As if he isn’t the man I was dancing the other night. I went to JIH pub late night with Ada, and he was there. Well, I was trying to ignore him and just have a short casual talk.  When JIH closed, we moved to Kruhac. When we arrived there, someone was toying my hair, I thought it was tsu tsu, but when I turned around, I saw him. We grabbed our drinks and sat. He was sitting beside me though we’re not having a conversation because I was busy talking with ada, tsu tsu and wes. I was still trying to ignore him. I spilled my beer in the mid of conversation and he handed me a tissue. Noza exchanged her glass of beer to me. So my glass is full again. I poured half of it to Tomas. The mood between us lighten and we started talking. He even tapped my head as if I was a little child. We finally able to speak and smile to each other. I had a shot of vodka with cherry which made me even more drunk. I knew well I was tipsy already and so I went to the toilet. When I get back to my sit he asked me if I’m alright. I said yes J He helped me finished my drink. We had a conversation with Wes and Tsu tsu and I ended up tearing up an old case of cigarette and asked me what I’m doing. Wes thought it was kind of art work, while he asked if I’m nervous. He was caressing my hand. We then proceeded to 221, Hani’s room and was offered a glass of rhum? I’m not sure with the name, but it was really strong. I tried to drink it, and was offered again, Tomas knew well, I cannot handle it anymore, and drink it. We were so closed this time, he was so nice. I feel so at ease that I was tapping his legs, and have our hands closely tied up. I can still remember his touch. It was so comforting. I can feel his arms around my waist too. It was so sweet. And we’re talking so close. He was so different this time. Tsu tsu said I was with a good man which confused me and asked him who is it? Tsu tsu didn’t answer me. So I asked Tomas, and he said, it was him. I don’t remember if I smile in acknowledgement, but I knew he is a good man. Ah! I remembered when I heard the song Macarena, he and I danced it. It was so cute! I wish he can always be like this. I really love this side of him. The wonderful evening has to end even if I don’t want to. He said, we had to leave. Probably noticed my drunken state and that I’m already sleepy. I stood and said goodbye, and then walked out of the room. I didn’t even wait for him. I just took the stairs and went to my room. I had to.

11^th February 20, 2015. He invited me for a coffee in the reception, but I said, I do not drink coffee so he offered me tea instead. Why do I feel that the person in the reception and the man last night are completely different person? So confusing. This man is rather cold. I appreciate the tea and the invitation to sit inside but again, I found myself so uncomfortable that I wish I can run away. Thankful, I had to leave.  I was getting uncomfortable with the questions he is throwing at me.

12^th February 21, 2015. I went to JIH pub when my friend invited me. He was also there. We were sitting apart from each other and didn’t manage to talk much. I can see how tired he is just by looking at him.

13^th February 22, 2015. I left my room pissed off because my friend’s roommate came over and it was noisy. I intended to go to church and anywhere where my feet will bring me but who would have thought, I’ll accidentally bumped into him. Yes, right. The man with green eyes whose name is Tomas. Since I do not have any concrete plan, when he invited me to join him for Exhibition in Prague Castle, I joined him. I noticed he keeps on slouching, so told him to avoid it. He apparently have scoliosis. I kinda pity him for having to always lower his head down to reach out to small people. I did have fun in the exhibition because this is my thing. He is fun to be with too. The more I get to know him the more I realize he is a kind-hearted person. It was a good day indeed.  

14^th February 24, 2015.  I met him today at Starometska station and watched a movie. We were running and I was catching my breath. We arrived almost in time, and managed to get a good seat. He is certainly a weirdo! He was laughing so loud! But that was kinda cute. Obviously quite uncomfortable with his position. He is too big for that though. I couldn’t get to rest my right arm because his arm is there! We talked a little about the movie. Today, hasn’t end yet, we might meet later and drink.  I missed my class to go with him. I’ve never done something silly like this, so I thought it was fun, besides I am eager to watch the movie.

I think it was I who asked if I can join him for a drink. Wrong move! But I really want to drink and party, though I know I can join my friends in JIH but I chose to go with him. So there must be really something? Nut’s isn’t it? I’m a weirdo indeed. So here’s the thing, we met in JIH dormitory and headed to Club C.  Grab a drink and take a seat for few moments, he really wanted to dance! We watched a short performance and started dancing. I can really feel his hands moving my body! I just enjoy the fun and let it slide.  We grab another drink and decided to seat where we get closer and dancing while playing like a child. I really like this side of him. He can go down to my level of childishness. We went to the dance floor once more until 2am and moved to Kruhac and continue dancing. This is where all my confusion begun. We were dancing more close or shall I say intimate? He was touching my butt and his face was so close to mine that if I didn’t move, our lips will surely meet. I asked him if he was trying to kiss me, and he said yes. I was shocked! I asked why, he said because he likes me. That even made me more astonished. How come? He said, that I like him too and that I was flirting with him. I was completely taken aback. I have no idea about it. I did surely like him, but flirt him? I just really wanna go out and have fun, it’s a pretty exciting feeling to cut your class and go on a movie, and I do love the star gazing too, except the moments in the reception. I thought I was being friendly! And that adding on facebook, okay, I admit to that, I was really eager to find him and make amends for my bad behaviour and let’s just say I was really mesmerized to him the last time I saw him. He seems so worn out. I tried explaining myself but don’t know if it works at all. I really don’t like being misunderstood.

We have decided to go and leave kruhac and went to my dorm... Well, just in reception and we tried to understand each other. It was a really sweet moment when he said he wants to be with me. That gives me a chill. I will not deny that I really feel good whenever I’m in his arm and when he is caressing my palm. But I am really not sure whether I have the same affection like him. My obstinacy is really something I can’t handle. OMG. I’m so confused, clueless, I have no idea of what to do, what to say, at all. There is also no doubt that I am stupid, naïve and impossible!

15^th February 26, 2015. We met in Kruhac during the beer pong competition. I was busy cheering for my team but I know he’s there already. I just pretended I didn’t see him so he will approach me first. :D

Why is it than when we’re apart, we’re like strangers to each other? Gets quite uncomfortable. He invited me to go to his room and watch a movie. I said yes, wrong move again! A decent girl should not accept such invitation coz it might mean something. Oh well, I don’t care. I want to get out of Kruhac nevertheless. Hmm… We dropped by to a room where there’s an ongoing birthday celebration party, quite inconvenient because I don’t know anybody. That was the time when I realize I can never keep out with his lifestyle. I just can’t crash anyone’s party when I’m not invited. My confidence and impertinence do not extend to such activity.  

When we arrived to his room, I was already put in a hot seat. He asked me whether I want to start dating him or not. So I asked, what’s dating in Czech R., in response to my query, he said: watching movie, going out together, sex... Okay, I heard enough, I’m not in. So what if I am 25 and I never have sex? I cannot live to such expectation, I cannot change the way I am and force myself to do it just to get a man. I’d rather be single for the rest of my life. He was laughing at me because he thinks its lame. I must have lived my life in church because I didn’t know anything else. We were sitting across to each other and he was massaging my foot. Asking some questions which I answered with all honesty. Until, he reached out his arms and was trying to pull me closer. So I asked whether if he wants to hug me. I hugged him. We stayed like that for quite a while. He asked if he can kiss me, I said no. I think I said, I don’t want to start a fire, because it might get addicting. I gave-in in the end. I allowed him to kiss me. So, the kiss? I don’t know.

He played a music, lit a Buddha candle, I think it is used for praying, anyway, he pulled me. I don’t know if we’re supposed to dance, so I asked. We danced. I was stepping on his feet and he was carrying my weight while dancing. It’s very sweet. Until, he led me to the bed… and I was like… no! He assured me, we’re not going to have sex. I feel at ease. We were lying in the bed, he was cuddling me, and I was hugging him. Kissing. Caressing my body. Talking. I swear, I feel like I’m not myself anymore. I cannot believed I allowed him to do all that. I thought I’m not just a flirt but also a slut. He was clingy, but I like it. He asked me to stay for the night, but I will not give in. I do not like the idea no matter how comfortable I was in his arms. It’s not right. See, I’m so rational. He even bribed me of preparing omelette for breakfast. He can be childish as well. Okay, back to the kiss! It was indulging for sure, but, I didn’t feel anything. I was just kissing, that’s it.  There’s no spark? But I do like when I was hugging him and burying my face to his chest. Was it because I feel protected only? I thought I like him. Surely I do. But to what extent? I did not feel the same attraction I felt to someone 2 years ago that made me purchased a plane ticket and escaped for 1 month considering that person was just beside me, no skinship at all, just his presence made my heart beat faster!

Whenever I know he is around, my eyes is searching for him but I will not look at him. I like it when he is near me, and it’s okay too if he is not around. But why is that whenever I look at him, my heart melt and I would like to take care of this person? He’s just like baby, I wish he will always be like this so I can take care of him, encourage him, coz whenever he is tough and rough as he always seems to be, I have no place.

The evening ends when I managed to freed myself from his embrace. A good bye kiss to end the day. Ah, when I was on my way back to G dorm, I met this guys from France, and other countries. I was really cornered and don’t how to get out. They keep talking to me… and I was like… I want to go... they hold me back for quite a while and keep asking me whether I’m interested in learning Czech. I said no. I told them “Bye guys, goodnight” and jerked away as fast as I can. Finally, I was able to escape! Day ends.

16^th February 28, 2015.  I visited him in his; fetched me outside jih dorm. As soon as we are inside his room, he played this Japanese anime “akira” and I sat in his chair until he asked me to stand up and he sat in the chair and I ended up sitting in his lap while my arms wrapped around his shoulder. We’re like that while eating the dried mango and chocolate I brought. Cheesy kiss from biting the other part of dried mango. I handed him dried mango and chocolate. Sweet isn’t it? After 20 or 30 minutes, he paused the movie and play music… Thought we’re going to dance, but we didn’t. He laid me in his bed and cuddled me again. He is so touchy! Kissing and Hugging. This time, I clarified this dating issue and asked him whether if HE is willing to date me considering my terms. Told him I’m obstinate, unpredictable, there’s no assurance when will I agree to have sex with him… he has to win my heart first… it can be tomorrow, next week, next month, on my birthday, his birthday, don’t know. I’m surprised, he agreed. I asked him to convince me why I should date him. Haha… I don’t remember what he said! I do remember him asking me why I like him… is it because I’m blonde, I’m white, I’m exotic.. I wanted to slap his face that moment, but then again, I just answered him why. I like him because he is like me. I really don’t like the idea of him going somewhere alone, it makes me feel bad, even he enjoys doing it alone, like I do, there’s still this kind of feeling that makes you feel empty. I don’t want him to feel it. That’s why I was offering my companion. Plus, we share same interest and we are both weird and mad. He also asked me what I like for a guy… I don’t remember ever saying. How can I have? I don’t even want to have a boyfriend. So when he asked me before if I want to date him, I said no… but when we went to EFG reception, and there are 3 vacant chairs, he sat at the end, and I sat on the opposite end… when suddenly he pulled me beside him and before I knew, I was already in his arms and he was holding my hands. I looked at his face and I can see how sad he is when I told him I don’t want to date him… then I asked him he has to go because he has class next day, but instead told me… he wants to be with me more. Damn it. How can I let go of this very sweet man? My mind is already in turmoil.

It’s official, we’re a couple. He is my boyfriend, I’m his girlfriend. I even told him what it would be like if I were his girlfriend… I’ll be the sweet, kind and nicest gf, I will never clip his wings, I will always support him to whatever endeavour he wants to pursue, I will never get jealous whenever he is with other girls, because I met him as a friendly outgoing guy, and besides, he is not as sweet with other girls. I don’t care. I’ll be faithful and thoughtful J I even said something so cheesy and he was laughing on it. Ah, I recited a poem for him… please my angel of love, be the wings through which I am excluded from the untouched perils of this world, lead me onto the uncommonly serene payment where all hatred is exiled, tell me you’re here when I need you, hold me in your arms when I’m with you, and with the gentle stroke of your wondrous fingers touch my lips, hold me until my fears subsides and the darkness has drifted off.”

He was kind of pushy when it comes to touching his body, any part, so in the end I touched ‘his’. The naïve I was so hesitant at first but curiosity grows… and I asked the size and shape and how it will fit in if it’s big! I also asked the sex positions. I’m so ashamed of myself! This is like sex education. We continued watching movie, and we drank Zatec beer from his hometown. The playful I, took a sip and transfer it through mouth to mouth kiss. He copied what I did. Told me it was his first time doing it. He was still trying to take off my clothes and I keep on stopping him… the sex education continued when he take off all his clothes! I don’t know if he was trying to seduce me or he was trying to make fun of me, or to really educate me because I mentioned I’ve never seen a naked man in my whole life and yet I’m 25 years old.  I was sitting legs cross, arm cross and the object of my admiration take off his clothes and I swear, my face is a red as red! Couldn’t even open my eyes and lift my head. I look up and saw him. OMG! I want to escape that room immediately. Touching it is different when it’s in full view. I’m so scared. How How How! My god… if we are to have sex on the future, that body… that... I’m speechless. I was begging for him to put on his clothes but he is a tease, he won’t. He only put back on his brief, so I can still see ‘his’. He laid me again to the bed and cuddled me. Tease never end… He still trying to unbutton my shirt, and remove my belt.  We managed to finish the movie though and he made me change my mind and I decided to stay for a night. I wore his t-shirt, and he lend me his short which made me look even smaller. He was making fun of me. I asked him to turn around while I was changing. We laid and hug each other. He keeps saying he likes my scent and that my skin is so soft. He finally gained access to my legs because I am only wearing short. Even told me, I was hot or if I have fever.  We slept. Great feeling for sure. I can hear his heart beating so fast, I asked why… he said, people who are in love have a fast heartbeat… but he is not in love. I have an instant pillow and blanket… his arms and his legs… thick and heavy though. When I woke up in the morning, I saw how he looks so angelic when he was sleeping. I couldn’t leave. I don’t have the heart to leave when he is looking like that! I left at 10:30, and gave him a goodbye kiss which awoken him. Day ends.  

17^th March 2, 2015. I visited him to his dorm. His roomie was there though engage into his laptop. I brought him a desert I made when I was in Melnik and in exchange, had me ate the pastry his grandmother baked. He really can’t stand not kissing me, so even in the presence of his roomie, he kept kissing me and laid me down in his bed and cuddled me.  We were like that until 12am. He said I was clingy, and I told him he was the one who is clingy! Even asked me how come I missed him when we only haven’t seen each other for 26 hours or less, and I told him it was him and not me!!! Asked me if I hate it, I said no. I love it. I wish he will be clingier, that only means, I am becoming an important part of his daily lives. I also appreciate that he asked me why I haven’t change my facebook status, and if my family and friends know about him. So I asked him why he didn’t change his. He said, to whom? Because I don’t want to make mine public as I don’t like being asked. I’m really loving this guy. He is considerate. Same goes with public display of affection. He doesn’t force me. Day ends with more kisses as I will not be seeing him for 2 days or so.

Ps. I love when he kissed me in the elevator. Really reminds me of 50 shades of grey. He’ll hate me if I tell it to him. He despises that movie. J

18^th March 3, 2015. There’s no doubt that this University is really small. I bumped into him today, well, I don’t really notice him. He noticed me and just a little hi and hello. I wanted to hold his hand. This is bad!

We met late night, he invited me to go to Kruhac and met him in the EGF lobby; when we arrived in Kruhac, there’s so many people so we’ve decided to just join Ada and the others in G221. I remember saying to Ada “the night is still young”.  Usual, I easily get drunk and he helped me finish my drinks. My handsome boyfriend started getting intimate to me, touching me in front of everyone, since I’m drunk already, I was just going along with him. Damn it, who cares. He was teasing me about the post I had on my blog about my classmates married and having a child. Told him, that if I didn’t reject those guys who had shown interest in me, I’ll be married now and was like… NO NO NO. 

Since I’ll be away for 2 weeks, I teased him that he can cheat on me, just don’t let me ever caught him. He said why I will do that. My boyfie is so cute. J I asked how are we gonna communicate since I’ll be away for 2 weeks and I will not be often in facebook, he said, he can stand it. I wish he said something different, like he will find away, or that, I’ll always be in his mind… he didn’t. Quite disappointed. He was also disappointed when I chose to be with my classmate this weekend instead of going with him in his hometown. I really don’t like being parade and it feels awkward to be in his parent’s presence.

He will be celebrating his name birthday so he wants to be with me, told him I’ll make amends in his real birthday, but he said he will be busy because of the state exam… I’ll find a way to support him every step of the way.  Told him, girls don’t like being asked always.

I had a silly notion lastnight, I invited him to go to my room knowing my roomie is there… and he mustn’t make any sound. We left G221 and went to my room. Showed him my little haven, and closed the door. He went to the connected kitchen-bathroom and I was sitting beside the door like a little child. He pulled me into the other room and had me stood in the shower step so we will be of same height. Kiss. Nonstop kiss. OMG. He probably found the place uncomfortable so he asked me to go to the stairs instead. I thought we’re going to sit and have me cuddle so I sat as soon as we arrived. He pulled me up and kiss me. I knew I’m really drunk but I’m enjoying the kiss so much that I want be just like that. He keeps telling me that I was clingy and that I love him. Because I told him in chat that “it’s crazy, it’s like you read my mind”, it was really true. I really want to go to Kruhac instead of G221, I’d rather hear loud music and dance to forget my problem in my presentation. I told him that instead of trying to seduce me, because it’s not working for me. He has to win my heart. But he said, I’m already in love with him. I asked why, he said, because the look in my eyes, full of affection. I asked how, and he mimicked me. OMG, he’s so cute. I have no idea what he sees in my eyes whether its affection or not. But I certainly care for him, Love? I don’t know. I asked him what is it to be in love… He said, you always wants to be with that person, wants to hold his hands, heart beat fast, always think of him, I don’t remember the others, but I am pretty sure, I don’t feel all those. I do the things with others too without feeling of awkwardness. So when I was trying to kiss him, he was like, why are you kissing me? You don’t like me. Silly he could be! I just want to cuddle and hug him forever. I told him, that I want him to love me first before I love him so that he cannot hurt me, but it wasn’t right. It’s unfair. It has to be gradual. I will not try to make him love me, I’ll act the way I always want to be. I really care for him, I wanted to take care of him, I want to make him happy, to help him in whatever he is doing, and I want to be the light whenever he is in the dark. Was that love?  But he never make my heart beat like a rocket space, I think of him everyday, but I never wish that he is always beside me. Enough of my thoughts. I asked him why he was not trying to win my heart? He said, he did in star gazing… What??? Told him, I thought he was an asshole that time, even in the reception. Ah, I remember telling him also that when he asked me why I like him, whether is it because he is white, he blonde, he is exotic… and that I wanted to slap him that moment! How can he think that way!!! I really hate him. What makes blonde, white, exotic? It’s ridiculous. I clearly remember telling him that I find Spanish guys hot and handsome but then, I’d rather be beside him. Because I like him. He said he miss me so much and really wanted to kiss me but since I don’t like public display of affection, he didn’t. I salute him for that. He said, he likes me because I’m attractive, pretty, witty, what else? I’m overwhelmed. Made me feel love. He finally called me “my dear and sweetie”, I asked why… he never say those before… Look at me earnestly and said, you are always my dear. My heart flutters that I hugged him tightly and kissed him goodbye. My absolute boyfriend.

19^th March 4, 2015. I bumped into him in JIH lobby. I was on my way out with Diana and I saw him, he saw me too. My handsome boyfriend in orange… He waited for me, and we had a casual talk. I introduced Diana to him… Something must be wrong with me, I swear, I felt something. As if I wanted to hug him, I want to be with him. He’s becoming the sunshine of my eyes. We took different paths and I said goodbye, while he said, see you later. Damn. I like him a lot.

He invited me to go in JIH for the night, but I declined, told him I am so lazy which is partly true. Asked him to go in my dorm instead, I’m surprised because he did agree. He went to my dorm and we spent some time in the stairs. Another public display of affection. He doesn’t remember what happened between us the other night, kinda upset. He stayed for couple of minutes only.  I was suddenly, unsure of this man. I don’t know why.

20^th March 5, 2015.  Fate allow us to meet in dejvicka. Just the right time I needed someone to lean on. I was so down because of this visa and flight issue I had. I took the bus 107 bound for my university and I was so surprised when he sat beside me. Looking handsome as ever. I was cold so he held my hands. He invited me to go to his dorm for lunch and tea. When we get off at the bus station, he didn’t let go of my mind until we reached his room. My sweet boyfriend prepared hot tea to warm me up and cuddled me. He also prepared a lunch for the two of us and we slept together.  I don’t feel cold anymore, we’re like that for maybe 2 hours or so.  I left to help me friend. A goodbye kiss to end the day… oh, I supposed to meet him a little later.  

I met him for the event in CTU, the place is totally packed. We were publicly displaying affection. We played a game and I beat him! Hurray!!! We drank beer and dance and kissed. It was a fan evening. We left before 11 and go back to dorm. He was so persistent in crashing someone else party in 4^th floor. Bought beers and went to 4^th floor, flirting each other way around. Kissing publicly. He is not even drunk. We spent time in the EFG reception to talk things over, and then, we both need to pee, so I told him my room will be fine because my roommate is already sleeping. I sneaked him into the toilet, and he pulled me inside and asked me to help him! He is so crazy. I knew he was teasing me. To make the matters worse, Casi and Kelly both knock on the door and I told them “I am here” I don’t really know what to do, and Tomas keeps laughing at me. It was madness! We managed to get out of the room and he has to leave. But before that, I told him about my gift, and he was interested in seeing it. I was kinda ashamed of it because it wasn’t well done properly. He said, he appreciates it, because no one has ever done something like that for him. It was such as sweet evening. I hope we will be like that everyday. It’s so dreamy. Evening ends. I wonder where the constellation box is now. Did he keep it? Or throw it away.

21^st March 8, 2015. I visited him in the JIH, because he is working. I gave him the chocolate he asked me to bring from Vienna. I actually made a little game, gave him 3 options. 1^st he will have 2 packs of chocolate but no hugs and kisses until I left prague 2^nd He will have 1 pack of chocolate but no hugs and kisses for 4 days 3^rd 3 pieces of chocolate and hugs and kisses everyday. He said it was unfair, but chose 3 instead. Sent him a photo of the chocolate his missed for choosing 3, and said “You demon” haha... it was funny.

When I arrived in JIH, I gave him 1 pack of chocolate, I was just teasing him.   I appreciate his kind effort of reassuring whether I’m fine, because I have fever.

MARCH 11, 2015. I’m so tired of writing our story. I’m surprised lastnight when I asked him how much he knows about it, he knows a lot. I think the only thing he doesn’t know is that he has no idea how to make me love him. This is the end of my story.

 ==

I hate him when he laugh because I was the object of his laughter. Sometimes, I like him when he won’t speak at all and just look at me and smile.

We have different temperament, different personality, different in everything.

He is considerate… he always thought of this “impolite thing” and he doesn’t force.

He will never decide for you, you always have the choice. I don’t know whether it’s good or bad.  As of now, 2/27/2015 12:57pm, I do not anticipate seeing him, not miss him.  

==

Chat Conversation –

January 23, 2015

How should I start? Shall I retrieve our history? He was annoying in chat as he is whenever he is in the reception for work.

It is I, who first initiated the chat conversation, I even added him on fb. So he thought, I was head over heels to him. Silly man. Well, that is partly true. I will not deny that the second time I met him I was so mesmerized by his eyes, though I don’t even remember the color of his eyes. I couldn’t forget how I behaved badly.  So searched the facebook kingdom! Lucky, found him connected to Ada. I couldn’t even hardly recognize him so I took chances whether I got the correct person.

We talked few things about Asians, language, culture differences, how we met, professions, his work as a receptionist, documentaries, his interest in sciences, astronomy, OMG, I initiated the conversation on this aspects, and this is what he remembers! I can’t believe it until I saw the dates myself!

He had this final take for his exam, and was quite down. I said something that lifted his spirit. I wish him goodluck for his exam but later on taking it back because I thought Luck has good and bad side. I suggested to ask for his classmates help to lessen the frustration. Also, told him to think positive, that perhaps he will get better set of problems to simulate and that there’s always light at the end of the tunnel. And final advice: “Funny indeed! There’s no point in keeping yourself awake if it doesn’t help you understand anything. Just sleep and worry about it when you wake up. Don’t go to the battle without a weapon. Bring not only knowledge but also optimism. Best wishes!”

The next day, he said he is still depressed before taking his exam but he passed!

January 31, 2015, when he starts initiating the conversation. We talked about ice skating, pilsen, Erasmus, and finally my exam date that I have to tell him “the soldier has to prepare for her battle the next day” and wishes me take care and goodluck. I failed though. Haha. He shared photos of him playing the saxophone, apparently, he has also love for music as much I do but never really get a chance to do it when he was young. He likes saxophone and I like the piano and violin.

He invited me once more in the reception which I declined.  Told him I don’t like standing, but it’s actually true. It’s so awkward and uncomfortable. We’ve been teasing because I won’t be able to see the model he was working on and that he will not bring it tomorrow. I enjoy doing crafts when I was young, from painting, sketching, writings, collage, mosaic, artsy crafts, even clothes designing, name it and I’ve done it. My favourite one is my science project. I made green, orange and blue crystals out of an object. It was illuminating when exposed to light.

Next, he invited me to join a sushi food event, and started talking about stars and astronomy. This man has no idea that I wanted to become an astronaut and a scientist! I could have spent my entire night looking at the sky, and will wake up early in the morning to see how beautiful the sky is. Full of stars! I can connect the stars to form a shape, even my name!

Talks about 50 shades of grey, etc. Hmm, he was becoming nicer in this chat conversation since the last time I visited him in the reception, and after the star gazing and a tea in his room!

The next day, he was complaining of his leg fatigue so told him “ he could have said no, instead of going to another place last night and sleep early., He said “ he wanted to be with me more” which I completely ignore. I do not wish to misunderstand anything. Keeps inviting to reception, obviously very bored man.

We had this crazy conversation when I told him he was a mystery to me. The misunderstanding begun! I love the part when he described Czechs are like coconut. I swear I had to bite my lips to hold back my laughter.  He thought I want to date him. It never even cross my mind. I just enjoy his company. I cannot imagine being with someone else, and I don’t know what to expect either. I think it’s gonna be uncomfortable. I can’t even be comfortable when he is around.

Oh well, things has changed now, I am now considering whether I have to date this man as of 3:43PM, 2/28/2015.