Dear Diary,
Remember the D in my previous entry back in 2017? I gave up on him. He and I are better as good friends. I was in the US and he was there too. That's when it hits me, that he and I can never be.
I met someone in the church that I attend, a friend of a friend, he and I became closer and I gradually fell in love. I referred to it as if the two of us are made in heaven. How can such a wonderful beginning have to end? We realized how opposite we are, I couldn't stand him. I dated him for only a year but lived with him for 2 years until I moved to my newly bought flat.
I never had an interest in someone after such a relationship, I felt like I could never get along with anyone. I had loved T, but he wanted all of me, same with J, while D is a very good friend of mine, loved me but wouldn't pursue me. How ironic. Where do I stand here?
Then, P came along. I don't know what to do about my feelings for this man.
I felt like fate is playing on me.
P lives in the UK, and only has female friends who lived all over the world - the main ones are Asians, he is into Asians very much.
We started as good friends, I was always there for him, whenever he is in need of someone to lean on, a friend to talk to, a special someone, a mentor. Then as months went by, we spend more time virtually, watching films together or just calling. Now, we even started playing games too.
Initially, he was supposed to come to Prague, but due to Covid, never happened, so we stayed in touch online. He gets sick and traveling was not an ideal option for him.
During this period, my mind and my heart are already in turmoil cos I don't know what I am to him. He never speaks of his feelings.
I traveled to his place to finally meet him. We finally touched.
While I was there, he was also working... and he would spend time calling his friends :/
There was a time, I overheard his conversation with his friend -- the girl was loud and saying 'are you avoiding me, I mean, who would have said that unless she's someone he is flirting to?
I got broken-hearted. While we were on a walk, I asked him, is he dating someone, he said no, I asked him if he is flirting with someone, he also said no. He wouldn't say much, nor explain any, it's all up to me to believe him.
That state of being broken-hearted made me buy a cat.
I visited him again a month later, but this time, he was really hourly on a call everyday with his female friends - that really upset me... I flew there to be with him, he didn't take an off day to spend with me, he also didn't put me on his priority list to make me feel special.
I told him, that it upsets me... asked him, where am I on his girl's list? he told me I was at 63.
He still hasn't expressed his feelings :/
I'm alone in this illusive relationship of mine.
I went back to his place days later after visiting my cousin, I decided to extend my stay in the UK to be with him. I thought this time it will be better, that maybe he will reduce the time he spends being on a call with his female friends... no :(
I flew back to accompany him for his biopsy, I wanted to be there for him... when he needed someone the most. But this is the visit the broke my heart completely. He told his parents he is with somebody, his friends knew he is with someone... when the doctor asked who will take care of him during and after the biopsy, he couldn't even say my name. I am just someone, somebody, who may or may not exist.
Days before I left, he called his friends -- it was rather longer this time. I went out to pee, only to see him on a call with a Thai girl, and have this love song playing in the background. That scene painted a romantic scene to my head... I got mad, I got hurt, but he didn't follow me, he thought I was OK. I spent an hour in the room crying, for seeing that, for not being his priority... He said, his friend was broken-hearted... Am I not also? That night, I wanted an open communication with him, but he wouldn't let me in. He said he loves me, but why he couldn't express it to me, why he wouldn't end my misery. Why would he rather let me cry, and makes me sad?
Why am I always last to him? What did I do to deserve that spot? Have I not done enough all this year, that he could not remember the good times we spent together.
When I returned to Prague, this kept playing in my mind. I knew well what I should do, I should end all this madness, these miserable feelings I have... I need to choose what's best for me. I tried to end it, he wouldn't even follow me, he wouldn't even chase me. He wouldn't fight for me.
I'm the one only fighting, it hurts so much. I shed too many tears, but it's not enough to make me feel good.
I don't want the no commitment anymore, I want commitment, I wanted to be part of his life too, I asked for it until he agreed. But the thing is, he himself isn't sure of it. Every time I asked if he has a girlfriend, he would answer probably. He wouldn't acknowledge me.
He doesn't see things my way. I felt like I am nothing to him.
This Christmas, I asked for 1 thing, A love letter to express his feelings for me... But he forgot about it, I had to follow up, I was very upset that he doesn't remember the only thing I ever asked of him. That's why I was never sure if he remembers my name. I'm that easy to forget, sadly.
I went to visit him again before the year ends, cos I dreamed of celebrating Christmas and New year with him. He spent his Christmas holidays with his parents, I thought for one second, maybe he would like to invite me, so I wouldn't be that alone and lonely this Christmas, it's wishful thinking. Who am I? I am just somebody who is easy to forget.
I was happy when he came back and he dedicate his time with me... that made me feel special, probably the best time I had with him since I started visiting him. I don't have any competition that day.
Things are going well... until one night, he told me he will call his friend at 11:30PM UK time, I was upset, why would he call someone at this time, must be so special girl. And he said he could call anyone he wants to at any time he wants to.
He didn't see it from my perspective, he is just seeing it on his end. I'm just fucking jealous that he would call someone this very late in my presence. Will he ever do that to me?
How can I not be jealous, all his friends are girls, and he spent so much time chatting with them and long hours of call even in my presence, he never tells anyone I am his lover, no one knows my existence, he doesn't make me feel love, I have to say the word first before he does. He said, he is not a spoken person, he doesn't say, he doesn't do anything, where is my place in his life. Is it really just my brain overreacting? Why am I so in love with this man when he makes me feel this?
At 4pm before new year's eve, he went on a call with someone, I was so mad and hurt cos he said he wouldn't call any more for a long time... He never greet me exactly at 00:00 new year or Christmas, but he does to his friends, why his friends are special but not me. I am also his friend before his lover.
He wouldn't comfort my poor heart even when I am breaking. He wouldn't wipe my tears nor hug me even my pain is caused by him. I am really alone.
So there you go, I got myself wasted as early as 4:30 PM and spent vomiting, gladly, at 00:00, I only feel awful but still, my heart is miserable. I was still mad, and yet he was touching his phone again.. told him he should marry his phone. He got mad, and told me, he would rather never be in a relationship than to choose 1 person over his friends if he were asked to choose. I have never wanted that, all I want is quality time with him, cos my time is limited with him. I thought he would think of our little time precious, I went there for him. But he doesn't see that.
I'm here, walking with my eyes closed not knowing where to go or whether or not someone will hold my hand so I won't fall... But he keeps letting me fall and wouldn't pick me up.
I know, I am someone who is easy to forget, who means nothing. At least, this is what he makes me feel.
What have I done wrong in my life to deserve this, I was very kind to the people around me, I help people, I make donations, I am friendly to everyone, I don't hurt anyone.
But Why am I hurting?