When things fall apart

If there's one thing I should learn in life it is to treat myself very well, and do not let other people demean my character, and most importantly undervalued my worth. I deserve more than that. We all do.

I can't believe how stupid I am, I went to Valencia hoping I could fix things with my ex boyfriend, only to open my eyes wide to the reality.

1st. He abandoned my company and chased other girl right in front of me.
2nd. The next day, in a romantic beach in Peniscola, he told me he never loved in those 18 months we were together.
3rd. He wants to be with me, but doesn't want to commit because he is not confident he wouldn't cheat on me. He also wants to be travel buddy with benefits - when we are together, we're ok, and when we're apart, we're nothing.
4th. He treat this girl he met through tinder. He never treat me like that. Why that stranger is more important than I?

These four reasons are enough to blow my head. I cannot stand my stupidity. Yet, he keeps on planning trip together, and saying he wants to be with me, but when I am not around- who knows he is fucking other girls? I don't trust him. I hate him.

How could he did these all to me? And I let it all happen. I'm a good girl, I never hurt anyone. I'm loyal and faithful.

I have no idea anymore. I cannot believe I reached this age, and I'm not growing up. I'm so stuck.

This is the story of my fuck up life.

I do well in Academic, Job, Travelling, I have everything, except on this aspect of life. I'm so stupid.. and there's no end for my stupidity because I am so weak.

I wish I have someone here with me, to always remind me - Don't worry, Georgie, you'll be alright. Youll get over it.

I wish. Really wish.

Love is a choice

Dear Diary,

I am deeply mourning today for the death of my heart. I finally had it, I broke up with him when we were in India, i just couldn't stand him. I should be happy here in Madrid, right? But i wasn't. I feel worst. Maybe I shouldn't isolate myself so much and start going out. I feel so empty.

Let me tell you what transpired in India.

Before going to India, we fought. He slapped me randomly because of revenge when i slapped him the other night when he compared me to a fish - worst insult of my life. I was so devastated, i thought i was going crazy, i freaked out,i cried, i scream... But he didnt apologize, he was smiling. That's even worst.
I left, i packed my things and went to italy and switzerland. I tried to think things over, i was happy there. When i return, i am more calm, he asked for a chance, maybe that our next trip will be the best.
At first it was ok, but the moment when he again switch the language to czech while i was talking to his friend, i feel bad for his lack of consideration. Everyone talks in czech, i was out of place. He wants me to understand him that it has been so long since the last time he talks czech, what about me? I have nobody to talk to, i cannot talk in english, i cannot talk in my language. Im miserable. I wish somebody wiuld come and rescue me from my loneliness. His friend did. I was happpy but i was hoping that it will be him, but he didnt realize im out in the dark. His friend pity me, but he didnt.
The van is full, i sat in his lap, but he gave up on me on the way back, i ended up seating in his friend's lap. I feel bad. He said, we are not in no way relationship so he doesnt have any responsibility

towards me, but why he expect me to have sex with him when he ignores me the whole day. How come i ruin his India trip when we are not in any relationship.  I dont wanna justify my action, because somehow i feel, we are both wishing that the trip will be awesome, i guess we set so much expectation that we both failed. I do not blame him for my disappointed hopes, but he blamed me, yet he failed to look at my side. I dont understand how can he say i never try to make our relationship, that its akways him trying.

I tried. Many times. If i dont love him, i wouldnt be so hurt like this. Why cant he see that. Why he see only himself. I cried, i scream, i freakout, i went mad, im crazy, and im still crying while writing this. It breaks my heart knowing he moved on so easy, knowing he only blame me, but not seeing his own mistake, why!!! Im not that bad. Why his friend see the goodness in me, why he cant.

All i want is his attention.
He said, he always makes effort, how. I couldnt see it in India. All he does, is to make me feel 'you dont belong here'

He was the one who wants the india trip to be the best, but how come i ruin it. I only react on what he does. But why? I wish someone can asnwer me.
I hate it when he said, that i would fuck up my next relationship. Didnt he see he also fuck it up?
Should i just be happy and accept his insults? I have a heart.
He said he was stoic that he cannot express himself, then, why he cannot understand that im not stoic. Im so vulnerable, that one word from him would rip me apart, why why... Im just hurt. But he couldnt see the pain, only myself to blame.

And now here I am, missing him when i shouldnt. Just a thought of him, hanging out with others and not me, drives me crazy. I chose this breakup, i should be happy. But i wasnt.

Sometimes, i want to eat my pride and ask him to start anew. Considering we learn from our mistakes, but im so afraid,  he will just laugh at me, mock me, and blame me once more. I cannot take that. I want him to understand me, as i understood him now. I knew now which area of love i made mistake, and will no longer do such.

I wamt to tell him, even india was the worst vacation, we can make the spain the best one. He loves this country. I imagine us driving along th coast of spain, visiting every cities, eating and spending a great time. Im willing to stay in prague, learn the culture, the language, so i can please him, to make him happy, im willing to stay in prague and wait till he finishes his phd and then together will go to south america, enjoying the culture, dancing together. But then, this is all a wishful thinking. This week i will learn how to make paella, because he said he loves it, maybe he will never be able to taste it.  No conditions, for as long as he will love and respect me But im afraid, he would laugh at me, mock me, and blame me. love is a choice, why we can just choose to be happy instead of revenging. I cannot take another blow. Im already into pieces.

Sometims i wish, he would sympathize to me everytime i cry. I wish he would open his heart to me too. He would tell me when he is sad, when he is hurt, we were couple, we were happy. But he nver open his hurt to me, why he has to be stoic to me too. While me, all i thought, he is the only one i have, i showed him my weakness, my vulnerability, im so open, thats why im so hurt.

I wish we can talk properly without arguing. Why our life has to be about battlefield. I clearly remember when we were in Malonstranska tram, i asked him why he and his ex fought.. I domt understand, i thought when two people love amd understans each other they will not fight. Smd told him, theres no reason for us to fight because I am not like his ex. I am correct partly. We fought bcause we are too stubborn, no one is willing to umderstand each other. Thats the real cause of our argument. We failed.

Im so sad. Im so misrable, I wish someone is here to make me smile, so i dont have to shed any more
tears.

What should i do dear diary? How long it will take me to forget? All i know is i miss him amd it drives myself crazy. I hate one sided love affection.

I dont wanna get hurt. I just want to be happy.

Signed,
An angel broken into pieces,
13:08, September 14 2016.